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March 7, 2011
Volume II of IV






Department Y
The Honorable Asa Hornscar

(Continued from Volume One in which Deputy District Attorney Carla Found and defense attorney Simon Singh made their appearances before Judge Hornscar.  Singh’s bizarre interruptions have already drawn a warning from the judge, while Found has just requested an off the record discussion, perhaps to object to the fact that I continue to type shorthand even while no one is talking.

Let’s see what happens next!)

JUDGE ASA HORNSCAR:  O.K., Ms. Found, we’ll go off the record for just a moment.  Now, what is it that you feel must be discussed off the record?

DEPUTY DISTRICT ATTORNEY CARLA FOUND:  Thank you, Your Honor.  I see that we have the famous ‘Fast Mattie’ Jennings as our court stenographer today.  I’ve only read about her until now, but from what I’ve gathered, she covers the highly notable cases in Los Angeles and is expensive.   So–if I may ask–how did we draw her for this hearing and who will be paying her fees?

DEFENSE COUNSEL SIMON SINGH:  (Interrupting the judge’s response.) Fees?  I still owe money to the money to the money I owe, but I’ll pay a fee to the troubadour.

(While the judge considers both a question and another interruption, I marvel at what I’ve just heard. Carla Found knows me!  And she wonders about me!  While I can’t help but wonder at her.   The expressions that race each other across Carla’s pretty, sunned face this very moment show me three things:  1) Empathy: she’s concerned for Simon Singh and whether his surreal outbursts are sign of a mental breakdown; 2) Intuition: she’s recognized that something tremendous is afoot today; and, 3) Determination: Despite these distractions, she won’t forget about her case at hand.)

JUDGE HORNSCAR:  (Ignoring Singh.) We’re off the record, Ms. Jennings, so why are you still typing?

(Perhaps Carla has sensed the vast invisible machinery working around and above her.  Levers in the mist.  It’s a bloodbuzz to see such epiphanies bud and bloom in an attractive woman.

Simon Singh leans forward and writes “Fast Mattie’s here!” on his legal pad. And then my iPhone vibrates next to the keyboard.  My fingers hover in mid-flight over the keys for a wingbeat as it dawns on me that the situation is out of hand. My ability to inconspicuously transmit the truth has been compromised and erodes by the minute.

I check the text message:  A dear friend of mine, observing my real-time typing from an undisclosed location, scolds, “Mind the heisenberg principle of uncertainty, mattie.  And ur vanity!  Ur getting in ur own way.”)

JUDGE HORNSCAR:  Hello over there.  Ms. Jennings?

MS. JENNINGS:  Sorry, Your Honor. I’m still typing because I can.  It’s a condition of my contract with the Los Angeles Superior Court.  I provide my unique service, which includes narration and hyper-linking, so long as I never have to go off the record.

JUDGE HORNSCAR:  In my courtroom, when I say that we’re going off the record, then you will go off–

MS. JENNINGS:  (Interrupting.) Your honor, excuse me, but I assure you and counsel that I’m like the guy at the wedding reception with the video camera who’s been following everyone around for awhile.  Once you’re used to me, you won’t even notice.

JUDGE HORNSCAR: (Smiling patiently.) Getting to Ms. Found’s questions, Ms. Jennings, please remind me about your presence here this morning: you’re merely filling in for Isaac Townes who’s still dealing with the malaria he contracted in Belize last month. Nothing more, correct?

MS. JENNINGS: Correct, it is nothing more than malaria.

(I admire Judge Hornscar–who does not like my answer–and I dig Carla Found, and they have me in a spot here. But I’m not giving them anymore than I must.

Lucky for me, I see that Simon Singh’s re-saddling his newly acquired antic disposition for another ride.)

SIMON SINGH:  Malaria!  Probably the saddest thing you’ll ever see is a mosquito sucking on a mummy. Forget it, little friend.

JUDGE HORNSCAR: (Relieved at the humor and charmed at the reference to her beloved mosquito, she’s ready to move on.)  Thank you, Mr. Singh.  On that dry and desiccated note, we’re going back on the record. (Laughing.)

Simon Singh's notes during court hearing.

Simon Singh's notes during court hearing.

5 Responses to “Court Transcript’s Volume Two: Off the Record”

  1. K.L.S.No Gravatar says:

    Just wanted to say again that I enjoy the Hayfield and now the new courtroom scene or scenes. Look forward to more and wonder when the characters on the hay farm will ever post again.

  2. [...] « Los Angeles judge rejects yet another governor’s offer Off the record: Volume Two [...]

  3. Tim B.No Gravatar says:

    LOL! Say hello to Simon’s little friend! Ha! Keep that shit coming.

  4. The subtle difference between feel and think. Very good.

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