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December 14, 2010

SAMANTHA EVANS:  Good evening, Professor Hawking.  Before I ask my first question, I would like to congratulate you on the recent publication of your latest book, The Grand Design.  You’ve had an amazing career as a theoretical physicist and writer, and it is an honor for me to talk with you this evening.

DR. STEPHEN HAWKING*:  Thank you, Samantha.  But don’t think I’m overconfident about meeting you.  I’ve read an interview or two of yours and have concluded that even though you’re in the sixth grade, you’re more than a match for me.

EVANS:  Sixth grade, gifted section, thank you.  But this isn’t about us, is it?  This is about the website, The Hayfield Forever.  You’ve read Demod Smith’s poem and many of the posts up to this date.  You’re also very very smart.  What is it all about?

DR. HAWKING:   Right.  To the naked eye this website and others like it belong to a conniving singularity by the name of Edgar B. Scattergood.  But when we point a Hubble at him, the data shows that his internet-based Posthumous Vanity Publishing (PVP) services and eGraves are large, dark enterprises whose gravity sucks victims in and then velocity–

EVANS:   Excuse me, Dr. Hawking.


EVANS:  Professor, excuse me.  With all due respect, your cosmology metaphors come too easy.  Not large and dark, as you say, but like cotton candy stuff that’s probably from your first book.  Let’s challenge my readers.  They can handle it. Let’s get to the facts:  What evidence is there that Scattergood’s conniving these poor people and what does it have to do with physics?

DR. HAWKING:  He’s selling them conjugal eGrave visits, for Pete’s sake!

EVANS:  (Flustered for the first time in her young career.)   Conjugal?  What does conjugal mean?

DR. HAWKING:  Sorry, I lost my temper for a nano-second.  You’ll have to ask your mom about conjugal, but please tell her you saw it in a Carl Sagan book.

Anyway, Scattergood is being prosecuted by the Los Angles District Attorney’s office for fraud and after looking at the DA’s early evidence, a judge shut him down quicker than a Hadron collider malfunction.   I’ve no legal mind, and there’s still a trial to be had, but mark those down as signs that he’s up to no good.

EVANS:  Agreed.  But if he’s shut down, how is it that his websites are still up and that we’re are reading all these posts from Los Angeles and the Missouri Ozarks?

DR. HAWKING:  The judge, Asa Hornscar, she did a curious thing. She refused the DA’s request for a receivership.  It seems that Judge Hornscar wanted Scattergood to at least deliver the PVP goods to Demod Smith’s family as well as to the families of Lucy Acres and your own poor cousin Bill.  And since UCLA’s literature department was aligned with Scattergood (or at least a rogue faction of the department), the judge also ordered it to transport scholars to the poet’s hay farm for proper research and annotation.  We’re all privileged to be reading the DA’s posts about the litigation over The Hayfield along with the scholars’ posts about The Hayfield.

EVANS:  What interested you in studying The Hayfield?

DR. HAWKING:  The coming eclipse, of course.   Demod Smith’s eclipse is a curiously inky one that makes his hayfield go haywire.  As you know from my books, Samantha, I have spilled much ink myself on the topic of eclipses.  Actually, from the moment that Aristotle noticed that during a lunar eclipse the earth’s shadow on the moon was round to the  1919 solar eclipse proving Einstein’s theory that space-time can be warped, we’ve all been spilling ink on the topic.  But Smith’s eclipse takes the cake.

EVANS:  Technically, what kind of an eclipse is this?

DR. HAWKING:  It’s solar as far as I can tell. But the literary scholars at the farm seem oblivious to the fact that their “eclipse party” next week to annotate the poem’s eclipse is scheduled so near the coming lunar eclipse.  So no tellin’ what’s gonna happen! Many of my fellow astronomers are already Twittering their thoughts on this.

Which reminds of my joke about how many astronomers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?   How many, do you think?

EVANS:  Professor, we really don’t have the space-time for this . . .

DR. HAWKING:  None!  Astronomers aren’t afraid of the dark.


DR. HAWKING: Anyway, as I read the poet’s lines about hiding Arnie in an inky eclipse and then read a text message just now from Arnie himself, I have the strange sensation that he’s in two dimensions at once.  Most unusual.

EVANS:  Wait, are you saying you just got a text message from our Arnie?  The drunk farmer in the poem?

DR. HAWKING:  I’m certain of it, but he’s denied the connection.  He’s an old chum of mine.  And before he started drinking, he was a brilliant and dedicated physicist.

EVANS:  So Arnie is real?  What’s his text message say?

DR. HAWKING:  He’s as real as the Einstein-Rosen Bridge.  And that’s got to be the extent of your scoop for the night. I’m afraid I have to sign off now and tend to this urgent message.  But I predict that things are going to get really interesting on this website.  Keep your eyeglass trained on Odie Leucas.  He’s wise but in a wily way.  Meanwhile Deputy DA Carla Found is taking things personally and we have to wonder if she can keep from fall aparting before she can pull her case together.  And Risa Marquez is one of the most smoking hot babes in our galaxy; it will shake things up when her body and mind both soon arrive in the Hayfield.

EVANS:   As a girl journalist, I look up to Risa, so I don’t appreciate any comments that objectify–

DR. HAWKING:  Objectification is my life! Let’s talk again soon, Samantha.  Hawking out.

EVANS:   Well, folks you heard it here first.    We thought Arnie was like an intoxicated Adam whose Creator tried to hide him under the fig leaves of ink and night.  But Dr.  Stephen Hawking, who apparently no longer believes in the necessity of Creators,  has revealed that Arnie might be a real person and a former physicist.

DOOR: Knock, knock, knock, KNOCK!

EVANS: My mom is knocking on my door like Beethoven’s Fifth, telling me to get to bed, so I have to sign off as well.  Let me know who you would like for me to interview next and I will hunt them down.  This is Samantha Evans:  Good night and sleep tight.

*Note to readers:  If anyone has doubts about whether Professor Hawking is really following The Hayfield Forever or granting interviews to Samantha Evans, please see our Legal Disclaimer.

4 Responses to “Line 40: “ink and night fall together””

  1. One of the most cosmically funny posts in this saga. Also, even more uncertain than Schrodinger’s cat…

  2. Terry ReedNo Gravatar says:

    DYING laughing here.

  3. [...] necessary.  These attorneys represent UCLA and the physicist Stephen Hawking*–who did an interview about our case–on claims they allege against all of us who are involved in this case [...]

  4. [...] iPhone vibrates next to the keyboard.  A dear friend of mine, observing my real-time typing from an undisclosed location, has just texted me to scold, [...]

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